Jaime and Bronn fought the Sand Snakes down in Dorne (very cool fight, but is Bronn in trouble from that slash?) so it's not looking good for Myrcella to come back to King's Landing. Things are even worse for Tyrion and Jorah "Can't Catch a Break" Mormont, who have just been abducted by slavers. Tyrion was at least quick-thinking enough to trick them into bringing them to Meereen to make Jorah fight in the pits. It buys them some time and maybe they can catch Dany's eye before Jorah is slaughtered. Then again, he has greyscale so his options may be 1) die slowly of greyscale or 2) die quickly in the fighting pits. Sucks to be Jorah.
Are you traumatized by Sansa's wedding night? Is there a way for her to get justice from this or is it too late? She's already been raped, so it's not like even if she kills them she can be unraped. This show...
Read on for a full recap of Episode 6:
In the House of Black and White, Arya's story continued with her still silently washing the dead. It's so weird to see her with her hair like that. She already looks like someone else. Again. (Side note: The squeaky doors in this place could use some WD-40.) Arya asked the girl what they're doing with the bodies, she still didn't know. The girl told her she'd know in time but she failed her first test of the game of faces. The girl shared her own story. Sort of. She said she was from Westeros and her father's heir until her father remarried and her stepmother didn't want a rival. She sought help from the faceless men and she'd been serving them ever since. She told a whole story then asked Arya if it was true or a lie. Another test.
Jaqen woke her up with the continued question "Who are you?" She told the truth, with some twists, She was slapped for any lies, because he could tell. She was hit repeatedly for saying she hated The Hound. Awwww. She was lying to herself on that one.
Later, a man approached her in the house basically begging for help to end the life of his suffering daughter. Arya told the dying girl she used to be like her. (Not really, though.) She told a story about drinking the water from the fountain for healing. Arya gave the water to the dying girl to end her pain, but with a lie to ease her suffering more. Jaqen watched from afar, then led her down the stairs for the next part of her training. She sees columns of faces. It's creepy, like The Governor's fish tank heads on "The Walking Dead." Jaqen said a girl is not ready to become No One but she is ready to become someone else. Interesting.
Poor Jorah did another greyscale check at the start of his story. Tyrion still doesn't seem to know, and they bickered. Tyrion also explained what he was doing out there to begin with, that he killed his father. "He was f--king the woman I loved." Tyrion said, miserable as Jorah is, at least his father was a good man. Jorah didn't know his father died, so he asked for details. The Mormonts just have bad luck as a family, it seems.
During their walk, Tyrion asked why Jorah backed Daenerys, when the Mormonts didn't fight with them. Jorah told the story of a girl walking into a fire -- then walking out alive and unhurt with dragons. "Have you ever heard baby dragons singing?" "No." "It's hard to be a cynic after that." (Plus, she's hot.) Tyrion asked what happens if Dany does become ruler of Westeros, and how is she really the rightful heir? They were interrupted when Jorah saw slave ships. Slavers found them and punched Jorah. He cannot catch a break. They wanted to cut Tyrion's throat and save his "cock" for its magical powers but Tyrion thought quickly, as usual, and saved himself at least until they find "a cock merchant." (!) They were heading to Volantis, not Meereen, and mentioned how Dany reopened the fighting pits, which have never been for free men. Tyrion thought fast again and said Jorah is one of the great fighters of Westeros. He's talking their way into Meereen so Dany can save them. Jorah picked it up and said he killed a Dothraki blood rider in single combat. Lots of lies and truth tonight. How can you tell the difference, if you don't already know? Jorah was telling the truth, but did Tyrion even know?
KING'S LANDINGLittlefinger showed up in King's Landing and ran into the new and not-so-improved Lancel Lannister. Lancel gave him an update on putting the godless on the run, and Lancel warned him about the lack of love for fleshmasters nowadays. Petyr asked Cersei if it was wise to arrest the heir to Highgarden (aka Loras). Cersei tried to distance herself, saying it was The Faith that arrested him under the king's orders. They got on the topic of Lysa Arryn and her son. If war comes to Westeros will the lords of the Vale fight for their king, she asked. He has always counseled loyalty to the throne ... which isn't quite a yes.
On an interesting note, Littlefinger chose to tell Cersei that Sansa was alive and well at Winterfell, and betrothed to Ramsay Bolton. Cersei was pissed and planned to kill the Boltons, so Littlefinger suggested Ser Kevan or Ser Jaime stepping in with armies. Littlefinger could send forces from The Vale and, in return, he wants to be Warden of the North. (As Sansa's husband?) Cersei still wants Sansa's head on a spike. Littlefinger pretended to go along with that, but there's no way. Right? He loves her. In another sick way.
Lady Olenna Tyrell: "You can smell the sh-t from five miles away." LOVE HER. The real queen took a carriage back to King's Landing. Margaery called in the big guns to help her brother, Ser Loras Tyrell. Olenna called for a meeting with Cersei, and that meeting was everything. The famously tart tongued Queen of Thornes vs. the Famous Tart, Queen Cersei. They sparred over Ser Loras, who was then shown facing The High Sparrow with questions about Renly Baratheon. Loras lied about laying with Renly or any other men. Queen Margaery was then called forward to answer questions too. No queens are exempt from testimony. Queen M said all the charges against Loras were lies. She swore he was innocent. Then Olyvar the brothel guy came in and said he was a squire for Loras and slept with him, and Margaery saw them; he even pinpointed the Dorne-shaped mark on Loras' leg. Cersei's mock horror and pretend to stand up for the Tyrells was amazing but now Loras and Margaery face trial. More truth and lies.
Trystane Martell wants to marry Myrcella Baratheon/Lannister. They seem to be in love. Prince Doran watched them walking together in the Water Gardens and he said they have to be protected. The Captain remembers how to use his ax, and he'll need it.
Bronn sang his way into Dorne, in disguise on horseback alongside Jaime. They looked adorable in their matching outfits, but their plan to just kidnap a princess who did not want to be kidnapped was ... flawed. They arrived in the Water Gardens and there were introductions between Bronn, Jaime, Myrcella and Trystane but it quickly turned into "something stupid" when Trys stood up to Bronn.
Ellaria Sand and the Sand Snakes (sounds like a band name) repeated the episode title -- the words of House Martell -- unbowed, unbent, unbroken. It's war. The Sand Snakes interrupted Jaime and Bronn and there was a fight right there in the Water Gardens. One of the Sand Snakes tried to abduct Myrcella but the Captain stopped the fighting. (To Jaime: "When you were whole, it would've been a good fight.") Bronn insulted one of the Snakes as a little girl, but got slashed. Poison? Will he be OK?
Miranda bathed Sansa before her wedding and warned about the women who came before her. Ramsay gets bored easily, you know. Sansa called out Miranda on loving Ramsay, saying she can't frighten Sansa. Yeah, but ... Ramsay flaying might frighten her. Good for Sansa for standing up for herself, though.
Sansa looked lovely in her wintry wedding dress, but this is not a nice day for a Stark wedding. Theon was there to escort her but she wouldn't touch him, at first. It was actually a beautiful set up out by the godswood. If you have to marry a sadist, you could do worse for a location. It's a sad, bittersweet ceremony. Alfie Allen is such a good actor, he continuously makes us feel sorry for Theon. Sansa paused before accepting Ramsay, but in the end she said "I take this man." Ugh.
They showed the start of the wedding night, with Ramsay asking (in front of Theon) why was she still a virgin? She complimented Tyrion on being kind. Ramsay pushed for honesty, then told Sansa to take off her clothes. He had Theon stay to watch, saying Theon has known Sansa since she was a girl; now watch her become a woman. Oh boy. Sansa's life just keeps getting worse. This is appalling. #SaveSansa
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