All life decisions should be made "The Bachelorette" way. 'Cause nothing says "true love" like dropping a rose into a box that looks like a toaster coffin and represents one of two options for your future wife. LadyRoseFest2015 premiered Monday night with two hours of drunk Ryan M. getting horned up while Kaitlyn Bristowe and Britt Nilsson gave each other the side-eye. They saved the big rosemistress reveal for Tuesday night in a *very dramatic* one-hour event leading into the two-hour "Dancing With the Stars" finale. A lot happened in that one-hour, besides Britt's group dumping, including the delivery of the first impression rose, a few eliminations, and one guy checking out mid-rose ceremony to dump Kaitlyn, just so she knew what it felt like. (Not his real reason, but still.)
Plus, that trailer for the rest of the season?! #SexGate
Here are all the things we felt during Part II of the two-night "Bachelorette" premiere:
Britt must bounce. Immediately.
Britt was dumped within the first two minutes of Tuesday's episode -- by Chris Harrison, who kind of fell into "Bachelor" mode to dump the first girl, then basically propose to the second as the Chosen One. We wanted to be excited for Kaitlyn, but had to first be sad for Britt, who really needed those tissues from last night. She didn't even get a chance to take a moment and say her goodbyes, she was escorted by Chris into the limo and the tears began.
Sorry, Kaitlyn, but ... YOU HAVE TO DATE THESE FOOLS!
Then Chris went up to Kaitlyn for a move usually reserved for the final rose ceremony -- the long face and deep sigh and sad intro saying he's sorry, but ... he had to send Britt home. Kaitlyn is The Bachelorette! Kaitlyn called it "Hands down the best moment of my life." She called her mom with the happy news, then added that she was trying not to throw up. She felt guilty to be so happy, but this is where the hard part starts. Now she has to be the bad guy and start dumping people.
Jared scores points for his honesty
A lot of the guys wanted Britt, including monotone Tony and Love Man Jared. Not all of the guys were honest about that, though. Jared was up front with Kaitlyn and said he did vote for Britt, but he'd like a chance to get to know Kaitlyn. He got props for his honesty and you know what, this is what happens 90 percent of the time on every season. A lot of guys on Jillian Harris' and Ashley Hebert's seasons, for example, were hoping the rosemistress would be Melissa Rycroft or Emily Maynard. But you stay and you see if there's a connection and sometimes there is. Good for Jared for being honest and open minded.
Single dad = instant turn-on
J.J. -- the hockey puck you guy -- revealed he has a 3-year-old daughter. He was worried about how she would feel, but please. Single dads immediately get taken more seriously and Kaitlyn liked him even more for it, moving him up the charts quickly.
First kiss ... already?
Hot dentist Chris got the first kiss from Kaitlyn right on the first night. Cupcake guy locked lips and the rest of the guys saw it. The line "can't judge a book by its cupcake" was dropped.
First impression rose ... and second kiss ... already
Very quickly into the second part of what seemed like a really long night for this group, Chris H. came out with the first impression rose. We saw him drop that tray right after hot welder shared his steel rose, so you'd think he might get the real rose after that. Nope! It went to the hot Ryan Gosling clone, Shawn B. He was super excited for the rosemistress to be Kaitlyn and she basically eats him with her eyes in every meeting, so ... well played, Kaitlyn. Approval stamp. Kaitlyn said there's just something about Shawn, then added what that thing is: "He's cute." They kissed, too, and she got the schoolgirl butterflies.
Brady interrupts the rose ceremony to dump Kaitlyn
Maybe halfway through the rose ceremony, Brady asked for a minute with Kaitlyn. He very kindly and respectfully said it's time for him to take a risk. He said his heart is with the woman who left a couple of hours ago. More props for honesty. So Brady left with the intention to find Britt and see what would happen. Chris followed him out as if to help, so we'll probably see what happened. It was DAWN already when he left, but good for him. And smart of him to get a head start on all the other Team Britt guys.
Mass dumping
Four complete strangers got to take a moment and say their goodbyes to Kaitlyn and the other guys. Since we didn't get to know them, we're not too sad. But it still sucks to be rejected, so ... sorry guys.
Dramatic trailer reveals sexy time
Maybe the best part of the episode was the dramatic trailer for the rest of the season, showing Amy Schumer, the return of Nick Viall (!) and Kaitlyn admitting she had sex with one of the guys. She was shown making out with a ton of them and apparently she just went "too far, too fast" with one of those guys. Well! That is not likely to sit well with viewers, but Britt can save her gloating till later. For now, cue this very NSFW "I Just Had Sex" video:
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