Writer/director Seth MacFarlane trades in a foul-mouthed CGI teddy bear for an equally foul-mouthed sheep farmer (how's that for range?) in his new Western comedy, "A Million Ways to Die in the West." This is a movie that aims to be a modern-day "Blazing Saddles" and succeeds -- well, as far as copying that film's opening credits font, at least.
In addition to directing, co-writing, and producing "A Million Ways to Die in the West," MacFarlane stars in his first major live-action role as Albert, a lovable loser painfully unsuited for life in an 1882 frontier town. But when his girlfriend (Amanda Seyfried) leaves him for the well-off proprietor of the local "moustachery" (Neil Patrick Harris), Albert aims to win her back with the help of a mysterious newcomer named Anna (Charlize Theron), unaware she's the wife of "the most dangerous bandit in the territories" (Liam Neeson).
So, the question is, can the "Family Guy" creator recapture the success of "Ted," one of the most popular hard-R comedies in recent memory? And since a movie whose main comic set piece involves diarrhea and hats is pretty much critic-proof, instead we'll be looking to answer that with cold, hard math.
(As always, like Albert's aim, the following numbers aren't necessarily 100 percent accurate.)
Worldwide box office gross for "Ted": $549,368,315
Reasons why "A Million Ways to Die in the West" got made: 549,368,315
The average success rate for modern Westerns: 1 in 5
The average success rate for Western comedies: 1 in 20
Ways to die (claimed): 1 million (duh)
Ways to die (actual): 15, including, but not limited to, gunfights, bar brawls, rattlesnakes, modern medicine, extra-sharp tumbleweeds and farting (yes, that's right)
Not included: Sitting through all 116 minutes of "A Million Ways to Die in the West"
Average life expectancy in Old Stump: 35 years old
Elected officials killed: 2
High Noon shootouts: 3
Saloon brawls: 1
Gunfights: 3
People thrown through windows: 1
Pratfalls: 7
Bones broken: Several
Glassware broken: Significantly more
What kills the most people in "A Million Ways to Die": Fire (3), narrowly edging out Neeson's Clinch Leatherwood (2)
Ways to get a laugh, according to "A Million Ways to Die": 5, including, and limited to, fart jokes, moustache jokes, anachronistic modern takes on Western life, gross-out sight gags, and celebrity cameos
Fart jokes: At least 5
Mustache jokes: Around 10, including an extended musical number
Sheep puns: 10-15, with several repeated for emphasis
Celebrity cameos: 9
Jokes run into the ground: See above
Modern pop culture references: 3
1882 pop culture references: 5
Musical numbers: 1
Excuses to see Neil Patrick Harris and Giovanni Ribisi dance: Welcome
Non sequitur flashbacks: 0, surprisingly
"Family Guy" style "parodies": 2
Restraint shown by MacFarlane: A lot, apparently
Things defiled: Too many to count, including, but not limited to, shadows, hats (multiple), the deceased Mayor of Old Stump, mustaches, Liam Neeson's butt and/or a daisy (depending on your perspective), good taste and/or your intelligence
Ratio of offensive jokes to offensively stupid jokes: About 1 to 3
Times characters laugh at jokes the audience doesn't: At least 4
Times I expected/wanted to see a sheep's penis: 0
Times you will see a sheep's penis: 7
Times you'll be glad "A Million Ways to Die in the West" isn't in 3D: 7
Historical consultants credited: 1 (seriously)
Movies Seth MacFarlane's had a major starring role in before this: 0, not including voice roles
Extended "dramatic" scenes: 3
Extended makeout scenes with Charlize Theron: 3
Reasons MacFarlane presumably cast himself as the lead: See above
Amount of his dialogue that sounds like a stand-up act on the Old West: 75%
Anna's accuracy rate with a gun: 100%
Albert's accuracy rate: A little over 10%
Clinch Leatherwood's accuracy rate: 0% when shooting at Albert, 100% when shooting at literally anything else
Jokes that hit their targets: About 50/50
Times Albert saves Anna: 2
Times Anna saves Albert: 2
Times Charlize Theron saves the movie: Countless
Chances that's enough for "A Million Ways to Die in the West" to match "Ted" at the box office: Slim to none
"A Million Ways to Die in the West" is now playing in theatres.
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