Monday, May 18, 2015

'The Bachelorette' Premiere's 13 Hot Mess ('Horned Up!') Moments


Now that "Mad Men" is over, "The Bachelorette" is ready to take its place as the best show on television. And by best we clearly mean most shamelessly IQ-reducing. But we're not here to judge, we're here to be the jury and pass stiff sentences against the clowns (that means you, Ryan M.) who showed up on Season 11's premiere to try and date Kaitlyn Bristowe, Britt Nilsson or whoever else showed up. We find most of them guilty of cringe-inducing silliness (not you, Joshua, Ian, Ben Z, Joe, Shawn B....) and sentence them to loving ridicule in this list. The official Bachelorette -- either Kaitlyn or Britt -- will be revealed Tuesday night in another hour special, but here are 13 highlights/lowlights from March 18's drunken, *dramatic,* and painfully awkward first episode.


1. Ryan Gets Drunk, Says Dumb Stuff
Ryan M. both won and lost the night for the same reason: He was That Guy. Ryan had a fairly decent intro, just saying he was obsessed with Kaitlyn. Fair enough. But things quickly unraveled during the long wait for all the other guys to show up. Ryan won the race of who could get drunk the fastest. He said things like, "I'm all horned up right now, you don't even know what's going on." To emphasize the point, he followed with, "I'M HORNED UP, EVERYBODY!" Other great Ryanisms include, "I apologize for nothing," "I'm sorry for being awesome," "I want to date both of them. But because I'm selfish," "I'd love to take that girl out for a nice steak dinner and never call again," and "Is this the gay Bachelor?" Plus, he actually slurred to one of the guys, "Why am I not raping you right now?" Whattaguy! Thanks, ABC!


2. Ryan 'Sucks' Carpool Guy's Energy
It was The Drunk Guy vs. The Amateur Sex Coach. Apparently threatened by the cheesiness of Shawn E. driving up in a pimped-out hot tub car, Ryan crashed Shawn's intro by shouting, "That car sucks!" Britt and Kaitlyn did not agree, and went to check out the car pool. Ryan continued to shout that Shawn sucked. Not impressive. It's sad when you can make an amateur sex coach in a car hot tub look classy. Kaitlyn even said if she could give a worst impression rose, she'd give it to Ryan for that move. Carpool guy later confronted Ryan about his disrespectful interruption and it did not go well. Ryan even repeated his diss: "You do suck, by the way. Everything about you."

3. Ryan Slaps Kaitlyn on the Ass
And she did not appreciate it. It was outside during the voting period and he got a little handsy. Not OK.

4. Ryan Strips ... and Gets in the Pool
He's not the pro stripper of the group, but apparently he got bored enough to strip and get in the pool. Then had trouble getting out of the pool and beached himself trying to exit.

5. Ryan Gets Thrown Out
The women didn't even dump Ryan, they called in the big gun: Chris "Pimp Daddy" Harrison. Even Drunk Tim on Ashley Hebert's season didn't get this treatment. Chris said it's best if Ryan went home, so he staggered his way out to the dreaded White Van of Death. The punchline of this guy is that he's reportedly an ex-boyfriend of Nikki Ferrell, who was once engaged to Bachelor Juan Pablo. So we're going to have to go ahead place Nikki in the Bad Taste file.

6. Josh Is Ready For 'Magic Mike'
Tattooed Josh just graduated from law school and he's studying for the bar, so to pay the bills -- he described in his intro -- he puts on a fireman outfit and gets his "Magic Mike" on. Don't worry about him feeling exploited, since, as he put it, "being a male dancer is one of the best feelings I've ever felt before."

7. 'Love Man' Is Here to Save the Day
Jared was doing really well in his pre-limo intro -- even running clothing choices by his dog, which consistently wins us over -- then he said if he were a superhero he'd go into this as "Love Man" who will rescue the Bachelorette from all the evil men. To complete the idea, he broke open his shirt to reveal a Superman-esque heart shirt. Lost us.

8. Tony Is a Plant-Kissing Spiritual Gangster
Tony the healer (like in "Harry Potter"?) is very flexible, which is great, but not only did he show off a groin stretch, he admitted he can be "anti-social" and "sensitive" and "unique" and went around kissing his plants. Meditation man also had us dozing with his monotone talk about puzzle pieces. Then he blew his intro by dropping the same line to Britt and Kaitlyn. Never a cool move, especially when they can hear you do it.

9. J.J. Pucks Kaitlyn Good
J.J. went right up to Kaitlyn and said he's not from Canada like her, but he's played hockey all his life. He reached into his pocket and said "I would love to puck you." Kaitlyn was into it. "You pucked me good!" Nice. Where is that puck now, do you think? Give us some pucking details!

10. Britt's Gift Is ... Tissues?
Kaitlyn got cool intro gifts like moonshine and balloons, so Britt was excited when Tanner said he had a gift for her. She was less excited when he said he was raised to believe, if a woman cried, a gentleman should give her tissues. So her gift was ... a pack of tissues. Not that cute, and not a very welcome reminder that she was one of the crying girls of "The Bachelor." Later in the night, Britt called him out for being a (bleep) about it, especially when he brought up keeping the tears to a minimum this time. It was awkward. But thanks for the gift?

11. Kaitlyn "Cheats" on Britt
"The Bachelor" franchise rewards people who break the rules, so Britt shouldn't have been surprised when Kaitlyn broke protocol to sneak into the house partway through the limo intros to tell the guys they're killing it and it'll be over soon. Can't blame Kaitlyn for the strategic move but also can't blame Britt for feeling like it was a bit low. Viewers are overwhelmingly Team Kaitlyn, so they approved of the move, but if Britt had done it they probably would've been livid.

12. Yep, That Dude Is in a Cupcake
Chris S. is a dentist who rode up to the "Bachelor" mansion in a cupcake car. He normally tells his patients to avoid sugar but he wanted to do something sweet for Britt and Kaitlyn. He should've given them his ride, that would've been the sweetest. But "Team Cupcake" worked for Ashley & JP, so he may be on to something.

13. Chris Harrison. Riding a Triceratops. Maybe this should've been Chris' cue to join the twosome and make it a trio. One smart gentleman approached Kaitlyn, saying he wanted to show off a portrait he drew. He didn't know who would be the Bachelorette so he drew someone he knew would be on the show no matter what: Chris Harrison. Riding a triceratops. Rose in hand. Brilliant. Well played, sir. Please make us a copy.


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