Director Paul W.S. Anderson trades unstoppable zombies for an unstoppable force of nature in "Pompeii," a sword-and-sandal disaster epic essentially billed as "Titanic" meets "Gladiator" meets, well, "Volcano".
Kit Harington stars as Milo, a slave-turned-gladiator trying to save his newfound love interest, Cassia (Emily Browning) while simultaneously avenging his parents' death at the hands of a corrupt Roman senator (Kiefer Sutherland). All while one of history's most infamous natural disasters turns the ancient city of Pompeii into smoldering rubble around them. Now that's some serious multitasking.
Believe it or not though, "Pompeii" isn't a total disaster. In fact, it's actually pretty good cheesy fun, assuming you go into it with the right mindset. So with that said, here's a handy survival guide to help get you through this late-February guilty pleasure movie.
Think of it like a PG-13 "Game of Thrones".
In addition to casting Jon Snow as another sword-wielding hero and copying the HBO hit's gloomy cinematography, Anderson's film features plenty of courtly politicking, brokered marriages, swordfights, and even a few beheadings. The "Resident Evil" director even opens "Pompeii" in a very "Game of Thrones" Lite fashion, taking us back to Milo's childhood in 62 A.D. Britannia. There, as his village of Celts gets sacked by the villainous Romans, the young child is forced to watch while both his parents are brutally murdered in front of him. Granted, the scene doesn't have quite the same dramatic heft as something like the Red Wedding, but Anderson still makes sure to kick off his disaster movie with a little ritual bloodletting.
Or if you prefer, "Titanic" with lava.
Yes, there are plenty of bloodshed and gladiator fights, but "Pompeii" also mixes all that campy action with a star-crossed romance between a lowly slave and the daughter of a wealthy Pompeii merchant, whose touching love story has a definite expiry date thanks to that lava-spewing volcano. And if that wasn't already enough to keep the two apart, there's also the evil Senator Corvus (Sutherland) who wants Cassia for himself. So in other words, yeah, it's essentially "Titanic" with a volcano. But in this case, that's actually a good thing.
If you don't have abs, a CGI six-pack will be provided for you.
No offence to Harington, who we know did a ton of bulking up to get ready to play the appropriately-hunky leading man in the sword-and-sandal disaster movie. Still, that didn't stop Anderson and his team from seemingly supplementing Harington's hard work with a set of those digitally-painted-on "300" abs for his initial dramatic entrance into the arena. From then on though, the actor spends the rest of the movie wearing a shirt, and the resulting CGI budget savings are put to better use elsewhere.
Don't try too hard to figure out the accents.
As anybody who's seen a sword-and-sandal movie before knows, all ancient Romans spoke English with a slight British accent, which makes things easy on the mostly British main cast of "Pompeii." Well, apart from Sutherland and Carrie-Anne Moss, who can't seem to be bothered to sustain her mid-Atlantic accent for more than a few seconds. That said, this isn't nearly as distracting as hearing Jared Harris loudly exclaim "Juno's tit!" Ron Burgundy would be proud.
Get ready for romance.
We know it's ancient Rome and all, but "Pompeii" has still got to feature one of the most morbid "meet-cutes" in movie history. See, the film's tender love story all starts when a chained-up Milo first wins the attention of the beautiful Cassia by mercy-killing her injured horse. Who says Paul W.S. Anderson can't do romance?
As long you don't look up, you'll be fine.
When Mount Vesuvius finally blows, there are a few easy ways to tell who'll make it to the next reel and who won't. Because despite a city-worth of expendable extras, only the ones who stop to look up seem to get hit by the plummeting rocks. Other rules of thumb include whenever a character still has a melodramatic speech to deliver, an innocent bystander to save, or a climactic swordfight to carry out. Vesuvius is nothing if not patient.
It's not lazy writing, it's the work of "the gods."
When the same men who mercilessly slaughtered Milo's parents also just so happen to show up to town on the same day that the newly-purchased gladiator does, he chalks up the chance encounter to destiny and "the gods." Who knew there was a Roman god of convenient second-act coincidences?
Just sit back and enjoy the spectacle.
If you've already ignored the telltale warning signs of cheesy dialogue and predictable plot points, there's no escape once the volcano starts rumbling, so don't fight it. After all, this is what you paid for. And thanks to some seriously impressive special effects work, the destruction of Pompeii unfolds in a well-paced, big budget CGI spectacle that would make even Roland Emmerich jealous. There's the requisite royal rumble in the gladiator arena, a third-act chariot chase, a giant tidal wave, and a seemingly indestructible horse that can outrun an erupting volcano. Sure, Anderson's "Pompeii" probably won't be remembered by history as much more than a B-movie guilty pleasure, but there's worse ways to go out.
"Pompeii" is now playing in theatres .
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