Fans have been anticipating the final chapter in Peter Jackson's epic "Hobbit" trilogy ever since it was first announced that the acclaimed "Lord of the Rings" filmmaker would be splitting J.R.R. Tolkien's classic novel into three parts. And with "The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies" finally hitting theatres this Wednesday, anticipation has reached a fever pitch.
But what if you're not quite as big a Tolkien fan? Clocking in at a combined 474 minutes (or 6.15 times as long as the 1977 animated version), sitting through the entire "Hobbit" trilogy can be as demanding a task as reclaiming the Lonely Mountain. And while we're assuming the hardcore "Hobbit" fans out there have already had their opening night tickets for weeks, if you've just been enlisted into an unexpected journey to your local movie theatre, not to worry. We've put together a handy survival guide for the rest of you: it's everything a non-fan needs to know to prepare for December's most anticipated motion picture event.
Refresh your memory on the earlier movies:
"The Battle of the Five Armies" picks up right where "The Desolation of Smaug" left off -- with Smaug (Benedict Cumberbatch, as a CGI dragon) bringing desolation to the poor people of Laketown. Meanwhile, Ian McKellen's Gandalf (or "that old wizard dude," if you prefer) is stuck in a cage somewhere, and basically everyone else is in a similarly bad place. And while Jackson includes a few helpful flashbacks here and there, there's no "Previously on 'The Hobbit' " to catch you up to speed. So you'll probably want to give yourself a quick refresher course, so you don't ruin your "Hobbit" fan friends' enjoyment by whispering things like "Wait, is that Kili or Fili?", "Why's this stupid mountain such a big deal anyway?", or "I thought Martin Freeman was supposed to have a Minnesota accent in this." (Pro tip: if you're pressed for time, at a scant 300 pages, it'll probably be quicker to just skim the entire "Hobbit" book than re-watch the last two movies.)
Go with a group:
Like storming the mountain, watching "The Battle of the Five Armies" gets a lot easier when you bring a couple friends along for reinforcement. Plus, that way there's somebody who can help fill you in on what you missed if you have to duck out to the bathroom. Make sure to get your own snacks though, because, just like Freeman's Bilbo discovers, things can get dicey when there's money involved, even among friends. And you don't want to have to go to war for your 14th share of the popcorn.
Bring along a Middle-earth-to-English dictionary:
Luckily, the Elvish comes with subtitles, but even so, you might find yourself needing a cheat sheet to follow along with the rest of the dialogue. Especially if you want to know where or what Gundabad is and why everyone keeps bringing it up. Or alternatively, you could choose to stay blissfully ignorant, zone out whenever the Arkenstone and its fellow Middle-earth MacGuffins are mentioned, and continue to wait patiently for that epic battle you were promised to finally start.
Pack tissues:
It's important to come adequately prepared -- if not for yourself, then for your friends. Because "The Battle of the Five Armies" officially closes the book on Peter Jackson's time in Middle-earth (at least until someone comes across a napkin Tolkien doodled on that they can turn into another three movies), which means audiences will be saying goodbye to a lot of fan-favourite characters. No spoilers here, but it's safe to say that a movie that builds up to a giant battle is going to feature at least a few casualties. Expect to hear some sniffling.
Remind yourself that the end is in sight:
At under two-and-a-half hours, "The Battle of the Five Armies" is the shortest of the three "Hobbit" movies by a good 15-20 minutes (or, roughly the runtime of one dwarf musical number). And while Jackson still takes his sweet time getting to the story's big, climatic battle sequence, there's more than enough action in the trilogy's final chapter to keep even the most fidgety moviegoer from checking their watch. But if you do ever find yourself silently praying for Jackson to wrap it up already, take a deep breath and remember that it's all over after this. And just like Bilbo, you will get to go home again. Unless your friends suggest going from that familiar final scene straight into a "Lord of the Rings" marathon. In which case, sorry, but we can't help you there.
"The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies" opens in theatres on December 17.
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