The Morning After
Most normal people react to attempted murder by calling the local police and eating their emotions in the form of pizza. But Emily? Not so much. Naturally, she assumes that Charlotte Grayson's yet again trying to off her (as she's wont to do) and insists that she has control of the situation. Which she totally doesn't. Good thing Nolan goes behind her back and calls Jack, who shows up at Emily's house with his police-partner, Officer Ben Hunter, as well as his life-partner, unrelenting ennui and mopiness. Naturally, Jack decides the only thing to do is meddle as much as possible, and after lecturing Emily about how she probably shouldn't murder anyone, he tells Ben not to ask her out because apparently if he can't be happy, no one should be. Oh, Jack. If this guy could be described by a hashtag, it would be #foreveralone.
Rise of the Living Dead
Time to check in on David Clarke, who's decided to do what everyone on this show does: hatch a completely insane plan. First, David tells Vitoria about breaking into Emily's house and then stares at her vacantly while she rambles about The Art of Plotting. Then, David takes advantage of Victoria's absence by grabbing some chains and casually self-flagellating, which is totally normal, said no one ever. After this foray into insanity, David wanders into The Hamptons and promptly gets taken into custody by the police for shoplifting. At this point you're probably spitting out your lobster roll in confusion and dismay, but don't worry -- this is all part of David's master plan to replace Conrad Grayson as the King of The Hamptons. At least we think. All we know is that we can't take his beard anymore.
So, what does Victoria get up to while her paramour tries his hand at larceny? First she pays a visit to Charlotte to be like "please stop stealing my Xanax, k thanks!" and then she wanders over to Daniel's hotel to hook him up with some of Margaux's cash. Too bad Daniel wants nothing to do with her because he's too busy playing nice with sinister Southern belle, Louise.
The Return of the
Poor Daniel basically has nothing going for him other than his ability to wear a suit (and his poetry -- never forget his poetry), and Louise could be his ticket to a new life. This debutante seems perfectly happy to hand over control of her investments to Daniel (who, lest you forget, she met literally one night ago), but the catch? Not only does she want to sleep with young Grayson (which is made apparent when she forces him to rub sunscreen on her back), she also has major mommy issues with Victoria. Louise gets a chance to spy on her psych ward mentor during Victoria's visit with Daniel, and let's just say she's less than pleased when Queen V rejects her glass of champagne. Like, she might go full blown Single White Female on her any day now. The good news is that Daniel and Margaux seem to have a great relationship these days, by which we mean they make out a lot and it's kind of gross if you think about the fact that Daniel was in bed with a recently deceased prostitute a few episodes ago.
The Unusual Suspects
Thanks to Ben and Jack's meddlesome ways, David ends up being in a police line-up of suspects who may have broken into Emily's house, and she's called in to give an identification. But not before Jack recognizes David and completely fails at giving Emily a head-up. Instead, poor Emily slowly comes to the realization that she's looking at her father, has a complete emotional breakdown the likes of which we haven't seen since Jack's dog died, and tries desperately to see her dad. The problem? David's fingerprints are run through the system, and before Emily knows it the police station is full of Feds who want to interview him. Which brings us to phase two of David's sinister plan....
Meet The Press
Once Victoria learns of David's whereabouts, she shows up at the station armed with a first-class lawyer and David opens up to the police, claiming that Conrad tortured him in a cell. At this point, David whips out his bloody shoulder (#drama!), and then fakes complete shock about Conrad's death and the fact that his name's been cleared. After this revelation, David has a tense moment with Victoria in which he accuses her of controlling him, and then flits off to speak to his legions of fans at a press conference. You better believe Emily is on the scene to hear David's musings, but she's shocked when he trots out Victoria and Charlotte and introduces them as his family. Looks like Em's arch-nemesis got to her dad first, but we have a feeling this isn't checkmate in Victoria and Emily's endless chess game....
And now, time for questions!
1. Is it just us or is David Clarke vaguely evil? This guy can sleuth, just saying.
2. What does Louise want with Daniel? Is she really attracted to him, or does she just view him as a means to reach Victoria?
3. Will David be Team Emily or Team Victoria once he hears both sides of their story?
4. Will Emily have to give up her share of Nolan's company to David? After all, if he's alive, isn't the fortune technically his?
5. How will Emily handle the emotional fallout if David doesn't live up to her expectations? Will her revenge plan have been worth it, and how will the show continue?
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